Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
