What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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