I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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