I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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