i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
