I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
