Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
