you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
