u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
