My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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