I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
