look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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