im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
