Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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