I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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