First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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