I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
