i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
