My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize