I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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