you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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