we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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