oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She announced her abortion via fbk
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
sex in a hospital.. check
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
