U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
