My hand turned me down
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
