ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
