I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize