you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
