Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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