they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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