I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
