when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
