On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
