ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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