at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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