so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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