If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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