is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
