Michael Bay diarrhea
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
