i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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