made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
