I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
