I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
