How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
