He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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