I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
