I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
