just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
