My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize