so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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