yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I will pee on everything he values.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
