nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
