apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
