what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
