I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize