And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
