I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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