i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize