Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
