I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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