that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
