Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
